I ate everything.

And I'm not happy about it.

A German lesson

Hi everyone,

Good to see you!

I thought I'd start today with a word from the Germans. While not a particularly nice word, I feel it is appropriate for where I am right now, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this....

 [Pic Cred]

" innerer Schweinehund "

Yes friends, that is a pig-dog. Your 'innere Schweinehund' is your inner pig-dog. 

I follow a few health bloggers, from all over the place, and some from Germany. When I saw people talking about people conquering their inneren Schweinehund; I read a little more about it on good old Wiki.

On it's own, the word Schweinehund is not a very nice one, however using it against yourself probably isn't a good way to look at it either. Your innerer Schweinehund is weak, lazy, and probably most prominent after an all inclusive holiday, or a few weeks of tactfully avoiding the gym. 

My Innerer Schweinehund has been taking over my life for the last few weeks. Ever since I did the Newcastle Stampede, and actually a little bit before, I've avoided exercise, I've eaten like an animal, I've drank more alcohol than I generally do these days, and I've chowed down takeaways like it's going out of fashion. I'm disgusted at myself, I really am. It's not all my innerer Schweinehund's fault- I've knowingly done it. It was me who bought the cookies, it was me who drank the wine, it was me who ordered the pizza. 

I feel like I've taken 3 steps backwards. My jeans are getting tight. I'm avoiding tight fitting clothing, and I feel bloated, sick and ashamed. I have spent weeks waiting for someone to slap me out of it and tell me to get my shit together.... But no one did. Of course they didn't. No one told me to lose weight. No one forced me to start running. No one pushed me to get into a routine. 

It was me. 

Why was I waiting around for someone to force me help me, when I was the one making myself feel bad? The only reason I feel/ felt so awful is because I know I am better than this. I know I can plan, eat well, and improve my fitness. And that knowledge will make you want to keep going.

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up off my out-of-shape, squat-missing ass, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Ich überwinde meinen inneren Schweinehund!

If you're in a rut, and if you feel like you're in the same boat, it's time to do something about it. Make a conscious effort to notice everything you eat, drink, and how much exercise you're fitting into your day. You will feel better if you take every day as a challenge to improve. 

Did I mention the Stampede already? A few weeks ago, I did the Newcastle Stampede with some friends. It was a 10k race with 21(ish) obstacles. Aside from smashing my knee in, and twisting my already-twisted ankle, IT WAS AWESOME. Here's some unseen pics!

Add caption

I would just like to mention that I've only just realised which person on this picture is me. Ha!

10 months later

Hi!

It's been 10 months since I started my blog, and approx. 7 since I stopped updating it. I had a bad couple of weeks, and felt I'd be letting everyone and myself down by trying to talk about being healthy. After that, it just became too long, and I didn't know if I could come back to it. I still thought about this little thing all the time- I enjoyed updating it, even the posts which 1 or 2 people read.

I really liked being able to set my weekly thoughts jotted down, and organise them, and it made me feel clarity I didn't know was possible. I'm glad to be picking this up again, and hope to update at least once a week. I will try for more often and will make them all waaaaay more fun than this post will be.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past 10 months; some good, some not so good. 

Good:

• If I put my mind to it, I can lose weight (At my lightest, I'd lost 3st 5lbs since 6th January 2014)
• I can run 10km in 73 minutes- and have no doubt I can do it faster.
• I can run 5km in 29 minutes- and have no doublt I can do it faster.
• I can sort, I can clarify, I can improve. 

Bad

• Failing to plan leads to me stressing out, giving up, and feeling miserable
• I am not/ was not prepared for injuries
• I can eat a whole sharing bag of handcooked crisps in one evening
• I can worry, I can exaggerate, I can put pressure on myself.

The only time I feel good is with a plan. And that's why I've started work on '2015' already. MY YEAR. I'm going to learn from my mistakes over the past 12 months and I'm going to take examples of mine (and friends'- many of the people around me are doing so great with getting fit and losing weight, I'm so proud!!) triumphs to keep me motivated. 

In fact, by the end of 2015, I want to be at my initial target weight. 

*DRUMROLL* 

11st 7lbs. 

A total of 8 stone (50kg) lost (since I started counting, anyway) over approx 30 months

2 stone 3lbs to go. (Let's see what I weigh on 1st Jan, I don't intend to put on weight before then but if the last few weeks are anything to go by....) 

I Can't wait. 

I have plans, I have actions, I have goals, I have time, I have a fucking great year ahead of me. 

Watch this space. 

P.s I am fully aware that it is October, and I shouldn't be planning from January. I am going to do something to sort out the next couple of months, but right now, I'm avoiding everything that happens in the next few weeks because I'm to scared to deal with the fact that I'm going to Cameroon and I have no plan to fall back on. 

The G Word

Hello :)

This week has been a roller coaster of good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, fun/stress. Life is all about moderation... But I was not, in any way, moderate. I felt terrible every time I ate something I knew I shouldn't. I got sick of feeling guilty pretty quickly, so went back to eating healthy after a couple of days of hating myself. 

I'm travelling to Germany tomorrow. As most of you know, Germany is where I really started piling on the weight. I couldn't blame the people around me, I lived with 2 of the healthiest eaters I'd ever met. I did eat out a lot more, I drank a lot more, and I did little exercise.

I found my gym card from when I lived in Germany, and it turns out I was pretty massive before I even went to the gym.

I could make a list of the foods/ drinks I love from Germany, and I can assure you all of them are bad for you.

So I'm setting myself a challenge. I like mini challenges, and 2 weeks is perfect amount of time to not feel defeated/ not give up/ be happy and see a small change.

• Travel- Pack healthy food, don't eat the free KLM snacks/ travel sweets/ airport burger king.
• Run- Before the end of the 2 weeks, I want to have done my first 10k run. I don't care how long it takes.
• Exercise- Go the the gym. Maybe start the 30 day shred.
• Food- Eat out (it happens!) but pick carefully. No fast food. No dessert. 
• Alcohol- Don't drink. I know German beer is the best, but no one got healthy by drinking the stuff.

I'm meeting up with friends while I'm there, and a really good friend of mine is getting married. I'm not going to go to these things and not eat, but I am going to take a lot more care than I have before.

I will let you know how I'm getting on. Hopefully, being away from the rest of life and only focusing on my training course will give me time to reflect on the year so far, and maybe even update my blog more.

Tschüssssssi!

P.s- I failed completely at Juice plus. Skipping meals is unhealthy, and although I felt better on them, I knew that the amount of exercise I am doing means I need to eat. I have 4 tubs left if anyone wants to try it.

Cheat days

Why do my cheat days turn into cheat weekends turn into cheat weeks turn into obesity?


Waaaah. 


I need something new. I need something exciting. I need my motivation back. 



Help. 

Why Diets Suck

We've all been there.

"That's it! My jeans are too tight, I'm going on a diet!"

"I've booked my holiday, now I just have to follow Davina's ultimate bikini body diet and I will look glorious by the time I go away!" 

"I'm sick of my muffin top, I'll go on a diet for a little while to get rid of it."

Diets are Stupid. There I said it. They are! Everything about a diet implies that it's okay to temporarily (key word) deny ourselves the things we secretly want to gorge on in order to lose a bit of weight. 

I've done diets. Not many, because you mostly hear bad things about them (and I didn't get to the size I am by dieting, ha). I've tried and tested Slimming World, and BooTea. I've written a list of reasons I don't like diets;

• Diets imply that once you've achieved what you want, you can go back to your old habits. 
• Diets are all about restriction. Don't eat this, don't eat that. Making you give up the things you love will only make you hate your 'diet' even more. 
• Every expert will tell you something different. Eat as much as you want/starve yourself, don't have olive oil/ switch to olive oil etc etc. How is anyone supposed to know what to do?
• They are not always healthy. Have you ever read the top 10 diets suggested by the NHS? Have you seen the number of negatives on each diet!? Even the NHS can't give you something coherent.
• Everyone is different, our bodies are different. What works for me might not work for you. 
• Calorie counting- If you drink a SlimFast then eat a packet of crisps, you're not being healthy. You're slowly destroying your body.
• Exercise- So many diets don't mention exercise! Why? It makes you feel a lot better than sitting wishing you had a cupcake.
•  Diets are temporary. No one is on a diet for life. A healthy lifestyle requires a complete change in attitude. You shouldn't be doing it 'until I come off my diet'.  

Living a healthy lifestyle is a big thing, and if you do it well you will lose weight and feel better. If you want to have something bad, have something bad. You're allowed! If you want to have a week of to binge, maybe that's not such a good idea (ha). 

Did I mention I'm doing a diet? I'm 4 days into Juice Plus. I hate diets, but I couldn't resist giving this a go. More will be explained when I'm done... And the pounds are already slipping off. I will keep you posted. 

Welcome back!

Hey there. 

It’s been a while.

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while. This time, it’s not because I’ve fallen off the band wagon. It’s because I’ve just been so damn busy, I have barely had time to contemplate, collect my thoughts, and write something down.

Once or twice I started writing something down, but I couldn’t seem to finish anything, or make it sound like thought had been put into it. If truth be told, I think the problem was more that I had too much going on inside my head to focus.

My energy didn’t stop focusing on what I was eating, and how I was exercising though. In fact, for the past week I have been doing a kind of ‘detox’ in preparation for my latest weigh loss adventure. 

The detox is basically eating clean. For those of you who know nothing about eating clean, you should read this wonderful blog by someone I discovered through Instagram, @Yakatharina. 

It’s a great way to get rid of all the rubbish from your body, and also allow your body to start craving good food rather than bad. For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you’ll know I’ve been taking a couple of pictures of my food. Here’s some of my favourites:

Choc delight! Made from Avocado, unsweetened cacao powder, greek yoghurt, agave nectar, vanilla, and unsweetened almond milk. 

Gluten free oat cakes topped with rocket, tomatoes, feta cheese and a slither of balsamic glaze.

As well as that I am of course hitting the gym as much as I can. I took part in the Parkrun this week for the first time, which is 5k. I thought it was best to start running in a competitive way, because it’s so easy to get lazy when on the treadmill. 

I managed to do it in 33.24 mins. Wasn’t bad, and was better than my run last year (The Great North 5k), but I know I can do better. I’m going to do it every week I can now :)

Today is 7 weeks exactly until the Great Womens' 10k, and so far the most I’ve ran is 7k. I’m building it up each week. 

I stepped on the scales today and I’m 15 Stone.  It’s not great, I know. But to put it in perspective, this time last year I was 19 Stone 8.

The only way is down, baby!

Food Glorious Food

This week is being filled with yummy foods! And why not? I'm trying to find a few new recipes for healthy meals, which are colourful, delicious, and most importantly good for you.

If you have any recipes you think I should try, leave a comment below :)

Here are some of the things I've been making:

 Roasted Sweet potato wedges with salad

Chicken and veg stir fry

Lovely Courgette Tortilla, I had half for breakfast, and then the other half with salad for lunch the following 
day

The possibilities are endless if you believe you CAN. Sounds stupidly corny, but give it a go.



Also, you know how much I love sharing fat photos, and this one is a corker:

Me and the sis. Was I really that huge? 

The Apology Blog

Apologies. 

I didn’t update my blog on Tuesday. I could give a million and one excuses: I’ve been crazy busy with work, I have been out almost every night this week, I haven’t had time, I’ve been working out too much (LOL) etc etc but the truth is, I have no good news this week. 

I was ready to keep going when I ended my 6 week transformation, and for the few days after it, I did keep up the healthiness. I went for a meal at Panis Cafe which was delicious, and although I ate pasta, I didn’t drink. Then the weekend came, and I was going to Glasgow with this bunch:

I had planned this since December, and I wasn’t going to go and be good. But that is fine! We’re allowed some cheat days, especially after 6 weeks for being neigh-on perfect. I had accepted that a blow out weekend was in order. Even before I went, I was worried about spending a weekend boozing and eating grease, I had had a great time over the 6 weeks and before that being good and exercising. 

But all was fine, I was going to come back and get straight back to the gym and the vegetable isle of the supermarket…. Right?  Nope. 

For the past week I have, in all honesty, gorged on rubbish. I’ve still eaten salad most days for lunch, but usually accompanied by some form of chocolate bar. My dinners have been meals out/ takeaways, and I’ve drank like an alcoholic. I still went to the gym, but of course I have put on weight and size since last week. 

Did I feel better for eating chocolate, cookies etc and drinking beer/wine? No, As a matter of fact, I felt awful. Food guilt is such a shitty feeling. It’s taken me a week of ‘I’ll start tomorrow’s to realise if I don’t do it now, I’m going to be back to being a 20 stone unhappy, fat, unfit, ridiculed lump of cells. I’m not prepared to do that.

This morning I did a boot camp session which practically killed me. I was shaking and aching, but I didn’t stop. I had my protein shake and banana when I finished, and I’m off shopping for a list of healthy foods. Next week I’ll post some pictures of the food I made.

I’m going a cake sale this week, as I’m fundraising for a special cause. I’m not even going to sample my stuff. 

Action Plan

1. Make a shopping list, plan meals high in protein/ low in fat.
2. STICK TO THE LIST. No tuck shop visits, no tiffins. 
3. Work out every day- run 6k tomorrow. 
4. Be Social, but don’t drink. It has to be done again. 
5. Lose 14lbs by 1st April. One month to kick ass. 

Giving myself a target, a plan, and realistic goals, I’m going to smash it. If I do this, I will more than make up for the damage I did this week. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

On a final note: Thank you. To everyone who reads my blog, and to all the people who, in passing, have given me a little ‘well done, you look great!’. You have really helped me. This blog is almost like a little diary, and I know sometimes the posts are as boring as this…. But I’m so glad for all your kind and supportive words. I don’t deserve any of it this week, so next week I will post more good news and joy.

6 Week body Transformation

6 weeks.

42 days of training.

6 tins of mackerel. 

30 salads. 
10 blog posts

And a whole barrel of fun later…

I have lost 24lbs in 6 weeks. I’m so proud of myself for not giving up! The changes I have made physically are noticeable, but the changes I’ve made mentally are astounding.

Here are the pics, the blue ones were taken on 7th Jan, the pink ones on 17th Feb.

I’m sleeping better, my skin is less disgusting, I’m calmer. I’m selling a pile of clothes on Ebay which are too big for me, and I’ve bought dresses, jeans, a top and a skirt in a size 16. I’m the lightest & smallest I’ve been in 6 years, at least. I would say that in total, since last March 2013, I’ve lost about 4 stone (25kg).

But the fun doesn’t stop now! My attitude to live has changed. I want to be healthier, I want to be thinner, and best of all, I’m prepared to work for it. I don’t want to reward myself with piles of disgusting food for getting this far. I know that I still have around 4.5 stone to lose. I’m not going to hop off the scales tonight and jump for a Dominos Pizza, but I am going to dive into a grilled steak & salad. And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s healthy. 

A good friend of mine (who is also the fittest person I know, and knows a lot about sports & nutrition) told me that I will never be happy with my body, because I now know that there’s always room for improvement. I think I agree with him. But for now, that mild disgust at myself is driving me to keep going. 

I need to mention the wonderful people at Elite Physique Fitness. The trainers are inspirational, I have loved working with them. The support they provide is just enough, and they make you aware that it is YOU that has to put the hard work in to get the results you want. The training sessions were so varied and fun, I wish I could do the whole lot again. Here’s links to their Facebook and Website, so if you want to have a peek, or even join them, I would very much recommend it. 

The people I have met while being there have been supportive, friendly and a great bunch. I have had an amazing time, and seen some amazing results from the people around me, too. Thank you to Paul and Chris, and the whole team there. Your motivation and positive attitude is so beneficial. You've literally changed my outlook on life!

Here’s some pics of our training, and my lovely little group. 

Press ups!

Squats!

I would like to point out the steamy mirror- yes this was post-workout. MMMMMM Sweat!

Knee-dle in a haystack

Good news! I lost 2.5lbs this week. Whooooop! I also had to go and buy 2 new pairs of (size 16 ahem) jogging pants, because my normal ones fall down when I jump! 

It's great that these things are happening, I'm planning to sell a few of my bigger dresses just to get them out of the way, so I'm not tempted to ever fit into them again! I can't believe I only got to wear this once: 

I bought this dress from Wallis in 2 sizes, L and XL, and I sent the L back! Wish I hadn't now.  

Can't wait to buy a whole new wardrobe! I'm trying to hold off on spending, until I know I'm at a size I'll be happy with. The day my boobs fit into a 14 will be a happy one :) 

1 Week to go until my first target of 2014, which was to lose 20lbs in 6 weeks, I've got 0.5lbs to go. I'm already planning my next target (and my first glass of red wine of 2014- ha!) and how I'm going to achieve it. 

My bad knee is feeling better, but my good knee is now in agony. I am gutted at how painful it is. I'm going to go easy on the running this week, and now both my knees are srapped up every time I exercise. The advice I've been given is to take Glucosamine to help my joints. 

The eating plan is still going to plan, although I am craving a bit of variety. It's wonderful knowing what you are going to eat every day, but I'm missing my free will a little, even something super healthy like a home made veggie soup would be nice. But no one said it would be easy! 1 more week to go, I can do it! 

Check out this little treat I got for myself! Cookies and Cream flavoured protein, can't wait to finish my shitty strawberry one! 

As a final little remark, I stole this from Facebook the other night... A little bit of runner's pride/ shame:

Thinspiration

This week I was faced with something I hadn't realised before... It was a massive shock to me. 

I'm huge. 

I have known I've been obese for years now, but I have had 'phases' where I've lost weight (at the most, about 3stone) and people told me I looked good. I didn't. I was still obese. I was still huge. How had I not seen this before?  

I went looking through old pictures on Facebook to see if I could find some times in my life when I was a little thinner, but all I found was lots of horrid pictures of me, demonstrating my years of struggling with weight. This blog post is a sort of funeral for my horrible thoughts and my plus size clothing.

March 2013- Probably my heaviest. I had given up and bought plus size clothes and was willing to deal with it.

My year abroad saw lots of drinking, and very little McFit (that was my gym's name)! 

Karneval in Cologne- trying to find costumes was tricky because of my size. Didn't stop me eating Döner and drinking Kölsch & cocktails the entire week :)

June 2011- My 21st Birthday. Just freshly back from my year abroad, I had piled on the weight from eating delicious German food.

June 2012- my 22nd birthday. 6 months into my Slimming World plan, I had lost 3 stone, but I didn't feel healthy. Soon enough I gave up and regained the weight super quickly. 

Graduation. Lighter, slightly thinner than my fattest, but not great. 

November 2012- 6 months into my 9-5 sitting at my desk job was clearly taking it's toll on me. 

Both above and below are March 2013, when I decided I would start running, and stop giving up on life and eating rubbish 

I had very much given up at this point, and this dress was probably the most hideously fat thing I owned. It depressed me so much. 

This photo is just funny. I thought you might like to see it.

Having realised that now is very much the time to move on from all this, I am waving goodbye to this chapter in my life. I've lost 5lbs (!!!!) this week, which means I'm 3lbs from my 1st target of 2014 (which is my 6 week target- 20lbs).

I thought I'd share one last picture with you. This is one I took on Saturday for my cousin's wedding. Goodbye fat pics, hello healthy progress pics. 

I know it's not much, but I'm going in the right direction. I am fully aware of how far I have to go. I think most of the size loss is down to the amazing trainers I have from Elite Physique Fitness and the amazing training/ transformation programme I have been on. 

Onwards and upwards. 

I'm nowhere near done. 

 

Happy times!!!

So I'm a little late in updating my blog this week, sorry about that! 

Turns out this week has been crazy busy, but also full of great things.

• Lost 3.5lbs this week at weigh-in. If I lose 8lbs in 3 weeks and I get a refund (whoop)
  
• Decided if I get the refund, I'm probably going to spend the money on a weekend in Germany, just go off on my own :)
  
• I ran my first 5k since my knee injury on Monday, then again on Wednesday.
  
• I bought 2 dresses this week from ASOS. The same dress, one was bright red and one was navy. Anyone that knows me, knows I own a lot of navy dresses (ha) One was a size 16 (wishful thinking) and one was a size 18. Bearing in mind, I have been size 18+ for a couple of years now, occasionally fitting in 18s, but more often than not going for the loser size up. I sent the red one back (surprise surprise) without even trying it on, because the blue one fit nicely. I thought the navy one was the 18, which I was fine with (ASOS are always tight around the boob when I buy 18s, so I got over it). Read the return email today, and the red was the 18, and I KEPT THE NAVY ONE. SIZE 16. This is a big moment for me.
  
• Also bought a ladies skinny fit tee that fits. It's XXL, but I don't care, it fits!  

Life is getting pretty stressful at the min, but I'm not doing what I usually do (Turn to booze and takeaways and cry into a giant chocolate cake) but instead I'm trying my hardest to cope, and using exercise and being in control as my motivation for staying strong.

I have planned out what will happen after these 6 weeks. I know I'm not going to stop losing weight. I need to keep going, and I need to show myself that being healthy is going to improve so many aspects of my life. 

Thanks for reading.

I promise my next blog will be full of nice pictures and fun things. 

(tricep) dips & (kettle bell) swings

Tuesday is here once again! And my weigh in was... okayish. 

So This week I lost 3lbs, half of the 6 I lost last week. I'm a little surprised by this, because I did stick to the eating plan and exercise as much as I did in the first week, although I did a little less running and more walking, because of my knee. I found this amazing ibuprofen gel in Tesco for £1.99 or something and it really took the swelling down, so I'm looking forward to pushing myself again with the jogging this week.

Last week was very much a high, full of motivation, excited at all the fun I was having, and this week has very much been...Dippy. I'm still loving it, don't get me wrong, but at times I'm losing focus as to why I'm doing it.I'm not just 'losing weight' as my blog title would suggest, I'm getting healthy.

In the past, when doing Slimming world, calorie counting etc, I'd drop weight like BAM! But as soon as I stop I pile it back on (and eat more than I did in the first place) This time I'm not doing that at all. I'm learning all the time, I'm eating more protein than you can shake a stick at, and I feel better: In myself, my mind, and my pot belly (ha).

I'm going to set myself some goals for the next week. Last weeks goals were stop weighing myself (done) force feed myself cottage cheese (done- blurgh) and go easy on my knee (done-ish)

1. Stop eating late- eat before training, not at 9 o'clock. 

2. Increase my distance when jogging. 

3. Stop stressing out. 

This week I also had a lovely little boxercise training session- I loved it. Gave it my all, my lats still hurt 2 days later. 

Also pretty glad the January gym-goers are dwindling already:

Just how I like it!

1 Week in

Hi everyone! 

So I've now done a whole week of my '6 week transformation' and I'm loving it. I've stuck to the eating plan 100% (which means no sugar, no sweeteners, no crisps no fast fast food etc) and done a butt tonne of exercise. 

The results are in....

I lost..... 6lbs!!! :) 

Super happy with the weight loss, everyone in my group did really well. Even had a little go at Tabata in class today which was amazing, so much fun and soooooo hard. 

This next week I plan to do the same, stick to the eating plan, keep jogging, but mostly I'm going to keep an eye on my knee. I don't want to be the obesity case complaining all the time, but my knee is swelling up again, and instead of just post-exercise swelling, I have general-all-the-time swelling going on.

2 people told me I look good today. Obviously I don't look good-good, but I guess even 6lbs can make a difference. I'm also sleeping better, feeling healthier, and concentrating more.

PM Coffee

On Tues night I started my fitness classes for my ‘6 week transformation’. I really enjoyed it.

After getting weighed (I weighed the same as before Christmas, which is good) and after being told I had a whopping 48% body fat, we got down to it.

Exercises included:

Kettle bell squats
Mountain Climbers
Jumping Jacks
Push Ups
Sit Ups
Body weight pulls.

Every day I'm not training, I need to do 50 mins cardio, too. Lots of visits to the gym (still too scared to go running outside after falling on a cracked pavement back in December)

Before the session I had to drink unsweetened black coffee with no sugar, this is what I was most terrified about. Turns out black coffee is fine! And as it’s my only cup of the day I didn’t mind. I fell asleep pretty easily, so I’m hoping to keep going with it.

The food is going surprisingly well. It's so nice to not have to think at all about food! It's a loss less distracting, not having such conversations with myself while daydreaming:

"Hmm.. What should I have for tea?"

"Something healthy"

"But what do I fancy?"

"Screw it, let's get a Dominos"

Sticking to a list is great, I have the food in I need, I can make it in advance. I don't feel hungry, in fact I sometimes feel like I'm eating too much.

Will update next Tuesday when I have my week 1 weigh in. Eeeeep!